November, 29 2008~Flash Backs

This scene is so familiar somehow.

Though instead of cheap cement and concrete

the walls were made of stone.

I close my eyes

and i can feel the same sense

of magic in the air

but the picture has changed:

I'm sitting at a beautiful grand oak table,

ancient scrolls with symbols, runes and herbs laying at the end of the table.

My hands running down the silk dress i wear,

long, flowing, extravagant.

A crown resting on my head

symbolizing my power.

Safe in my casted circle.

You walked in then,

just as you did now.

The face and body you wore was different than it is now

but i always know it's you.

My Prince.

Your hand imediately clasps mine

a habbit you've always done from lifetimes before.

In that moment my sight is brought back to the present:

the stone work back into the graffitied brick garage wall,

my dress into a baggy hoodie and black and white plaid pajama bottoms,

your shirt transforms from a royal court cape

to a novelty t-shirt with a silly slogan on it.

My Prince.

I smile at you,

the face of this lifetime,

and i can still see what i'm able to see

each time we find each other:

it's not hard to recognize once i see it,

the sense that the other half of my soul that i didn't realize was missing

has just danced into the room

capturing the attention of all the other seekers, mesmerizing the other dancers

and reaches out and grabes my hand.

It happens so easily

everytime,

and each time

i hold your hand

you guide me back

to our

perfect paradise.

A Justice Reading~ Mystic Dream Tarot Deck. 08/18/10

"Justice, justice shall you pursue, that you may thrive and occupy the land the Eternal (YHVH), your god, is giving to you."

(Deut. 16:20 From The Torah)

(the five books of Moses, Deuteronomy is the last)

St. Augustine said "When God wants us to hear something, He says it twice." I study and practice The Tarot. Yesterday and today i got the major arcana card XI Justice. Justice twice. I've been going through the book Tarot Wisdom by Rachel Pollack, in the book she goes through each card one at a time and at the end has reading layouts that correspond to the Major Card you just read about. The Justice card traditionally refers to legal and court affairs, but what was interesting was her take on Justice without legal situations. Justice of Self. Justice in following our genuine inmost nature. truly trusting who we are.


this past weekend, i was going through pretty bad personal silly things, 2 days picking XI Justice. i realized that, hardly coincidentally, i was to the chapter on Justice in the book. i usually wait for a sort of nudge before going on in the book, depending on my personal life. each time i get a sign, i read on in the book, and each time the chapter is totally talking about what i was going through. The author even mentions her own experience with getting the word Justice twice. so i read the chapter and got to the end where you do the reading.

(roughly how the spread looked like, i did it in Paint to give an idea)

Each position is where a card goes and there are questions that go with each position. so the theory is the card that you flip over on the spot is the situation or sometimes answer to the question. The spread is laid out to represent the Scales of Justice. Now I'm going to take you through the reading (now that I've given some back ground information) how i do readings for Myself and others. I'm going to try to include some inner dialogue that i think to myself during the readings with a ** symbol...


1- What is Outer Justice

-card: 10 of Wands

-*I really have no idea! how is a card that's about burdens and carrying loads have anything to do with Justice?!*
Ok, the question is "What is outer Justice?" and the card is the 10 of wands. To figure this out, first you have to ask "Well, what IS Outer Justice?" The word Outer is Outside. Outside ourselves.*ok that's simple* The form of Justice I'm using isn't legal, it's personal, so Justice in the "True to Self" sense. So the question is asking "How am i presenting myself in my life right now to my friends, family and coworkers (outer), and how is that presentation being True to Myself? *ha!*
So now that the question makes sense, how do you incorporate the card, the 10 of wands? *psh! i still have no idea!* so what i usually do in this situation when i just don't know is get out the books! the 10 of Wands like i said usually implies burdens and needing to delegate. ask for help. *but i don't do anything except work... that doesn't make any sense at all!* then i read in handouts about the 10 of wands my Teacher gave us during my class on tarot. it said "if you love your work but it's all consuming, you may be too narrowly focused in one area. Balance your life with other interests." *Oh there it is* looking at it that way i figured out the card and question were addressing my "Either's". I'm either ALL about work during my work week, to only being about my boyfriend. Work. Him. Nothing else. So then, when he's off doing his things, i get mad and jealous because he has other things besides me. and i don't. *of course* so! the 10 of wands in the "What is Outer Justice" position is talking about my invisible burdens. the burdens i place on myself because i DON'T have physical burdens to deal with (if that makes any sense at all). i don't have school, i don't have hobbies, i don't have projects. all i have is Work or Him. *ok ok next freaking card...angry face*


2-What is the Wisdom of Pursuing it? (IT being question #1)
*What is with these confusing questions?!*


-card: XX Judgement
*of course*


So! the major arcana card XX Judgement is all about Rebirth, letting go of the past, Change, and making a moral inventory. the wisdom in pursuing the 10 of wands (balancing life with other interests) would be XX Judgement- an initiation of sorts, to be reborn into a life that has more to do than just work or Boy.*easy enough* so that leads us to:


3-What action is best?


-card: Queen of Pentacles


-What action is best, meaning what action is best to take now that i know what my outer self is like in public (10 of wands) and what wisdom i could gain from pursuing a changed life (XX judgement). The Queen of Pentacles. So a card i never really associate myself with. The Queen is about house keeping *Dad don't even start* and creative projects and crafts. She is loving, and nurturing. i always envision the Perfect Relief society leaders, the ones that run the perfect house that do all of the crafts *i really really really Hate crafts*. so what is the answer to what action is best? What i got was this: i need to start creating. The Queen of Pentacles likes feeling accomplished. "Crossing things of her lists". I need to do these things for myself. By myself. Something to do for ME, not for work, not for Boy but for ME. The accomplished description reminded me of an article in a magazine i saw about Jennifer Hudson. she's been doing weight watchers and has lost a ton of weight and she said in this article that she loves the challenge, and loves challenging herself and showing herself she can do it. i haven't felt that way about anything for a long long time. i feel like i need to challenge myself with something and, like the Queen of Pentacles, to do it and be proud of myself. Right now, in life i dont have anything that's mine, and oddly enough that emptiness, that invisible burden (10 of wands) will lighten by adding more physical strain. and by letting go of past issues (XX Judgement) will balance my outer Justice! *PHEW! that was pretty cool how those three cards on the Scale spread worked out... time for the next scale*


4-What is Inner Justice?


-card: 9 of wands


-Inner Justice = 9 of wands. *hmm* well we talked about Outer Justice as being how we are publicly (outer) so Inner Justice is How we are true to ourselves on the inside. the 9 of wands is about wounds and scars. about Wary Defensiveness. in the Guide book to this deck it talks about being dissatisfied with something. how the girl in the picture is just concentrating on the one Wand that isn't blooming while there are 8 more Wands blooming in the background. sometimes, no matter how much anyone does right by me, no matter how many times I'm more happy with a person then mad, i always tend to dwell on the negative. and that negativity grows in my mind and starts beating me up and giving me more bruises on top of the ones that where already there. this bully in my head taunts me,dissatisfies me, and makes me become defensive against the people closes to me that i love. that bully feeds images into my head about things that they could possibly do to hurt me and shows me what to hang onto to use against them. to not really trust the people i love. My inner justice is wounded and scarred. "Even if we aren't hurt physically, our psyches are wounded. Our openness, innocence and trust are gone, replaces by Wary Defensiveness".


5-What part do I play? (regarding Inner Justice)


-card: III The Empress


-*Does this surprise me? NO!* III The Empress in the Major Arcana can be described as the Empress over all the Queens. Out of all the Queens, the Queen of Pentacles (see question 3) is the MOST like the Empress in regards to description. Both nurturing and Loving and Creative. The Empress though, is more like Mother Earth. Where as The Queen is more to do with daily things and personality traits. The Empress is about Life/Death cycles and birth and fertility. She loving holds all forms of life. "What part do I play?" The Guidebook to the deck said: "Your role is to nurture without forcing or neglecting your project. pay attention to where you are in the cycle of your project or situation and take the proper steps. there is great potential for abundance if good care is given. this may require Action on your part or it may require a time of waiting." The bully inside my head is always hurting my feelings, and making me doubt myself and others.Kicking me in the shins, pulling my hair... For Inner Justice, to get rid of the bully that creates the 9 of wands, i need to be Motherly. Both the Queen Of Pentacles (outer justice) and The Empress (inner justice). if they saw a bully picking on their children, they would take the kid home by the ear, have a good talking to with the kids parents about bullying, and take their own child home and baby them, and hold them and love them. The Part I Play for Inner Justice is to be that mother that pays attention and watches her kids and who nurtures the life process. *and for those of you who were following along with the spread you may find it interesting that the Queen and the Empress are next to each other in their positioning... just saying*


6- How Will Justice Come About?


-card: XVIII The Moon.


-(From the Tarot Wisdom book) "As the central card of the 4th triad **a triad is what you get when you take all the Major arcana cards and lay them out in order from 0 to 21 in rows of 7, then you read going down** with the Emperor above (justice) and the Moon below, Justice balances Structure And Mystery." the book also goes on to explain numerology and how you can get a different Triad with The High Priestess, Justice and Judgement (see question 2). SO! So far in my justice reading i have pulled 2 cards that both sync up to the book and the triads concerning Justice. XX Judgement Outer and XVIII the Moon Inner. "Only by facing fears (inner subconscious symbolized by the deep water and the crab) can progress be made." How Will Justice come about? "Through a roller coaster ride of emotions!" With the moon card i can choose between 2 things:"Wander through this crazy, lunatic landscape howling at the Moon (wallow in depression, alienate friends and family with wild antisocial behavior) or GET ON THE PATH AND GO THROUGH IT PURPOSEFULLY." *because it's easier said then done to give Justice to your Inner Self!* with the moon card "You must travel in the dark, not knowing for sure if your path is the right one. There is no sunlight to guide you, no distant landmark in the hills to direct your steps, no one to travel alongside. this is a journey that must be made alone in the darkness, without a map or compass. You must learn to rely on your own inner light to lead you along the true path"


7- What is the Link between Inner and Outer Justice?

-card: Page of Cups


*oh no please dont start crying...*


-the link between Inner and Outer Justice is ME: The Page Of Cups. As soon as i turned over the card i thought to myself "It's like past Bridget came to talk to Future Bridget about my issues". Me: That girl that could be in the world but not of it. Who's head was always in the clouds but whose feet were always on the ground. Who loved deeply and unconditionally. who saw magic in everything. Who Imagined. That used to be me! i wonder what Past Bridget thought about Future Bridget when she saw me. did it scare her away seeing all this darkness inside of what once was her? did she even want to be around me?
The Tarot Wisdom book talked about the heart. It said "the heart chakra (or center or what have you) is right in the middle, between 3 chakras of physicality below and 3 of awareness above. The Heart forms the boarder, the place where Above and Below join together. What weighs down the heart-when we seek to 'come into the light' is guilt, fear and shame. What opens the heart, makes it weightless, is Justice."

So, what the whole spread basically boils down to is to

Know Thy Self.

When you know your self

problems aren't so problematic.

So that's the tarot for you! well, in my world anyhow...

Uncontrolable Water~October 8th, 2006

Sometimes you have to wonder......

I am Trapped.

Stuck in a claustrophobic room.

To small to stand: to move: to breathe

I am Stuck.

The anxiety rushes through my veins

and I lose my self control.

I am Struggling.

These cords that bind me rip into my skin.

I lash out to escape but I lay broken.

I am Paralyzed.

In the room that will take my life

and i hear the water begin to surge.

I am Cold.

The water slowly begins to attack this room.

It pierces and steams against my skin.

The anxiety is dripping with panic

as the water drifts into my ears.

I am Deaf.

My screams have become muted

even to my own ears

and the rushing water becomes louder.

I am Afraid.

My heart beats faster than the sinuous liquid.

My muscles become tense

and burn in the bitter flood.

I am Drowning.

I take one last filling breath of precious air

before i get taken under the sheet of wet silk.

The panic transforms into dread, terror, and loss.

I am Losing.

I strike my fists into the wall

a vain attempt for a single breath

 

a war against something so peaceful

and yet so deadly.

My lungs begin to convulse.

Gasping with a closed mouth.

Thrashing for one last chance.

I will die here.

In this room.

My lungs give in to the taunting

and i breathe in the evil that has captured me.

It smolders my throat, my nose, my eyes.

I cough the water

deeper into my lungs.

The sting is more painful

than the ripping cord digging deeper

into my soggy skin.

I am Fading.

I begin to sink.

Falling to the ground.

Soaked from the inside.

Drifting to the bottom.

My Mind begins to fog: to fade: to die.

a salty tear is lost

in the dark drench.

and a single body coasting on the bottom

of a claustrophobic room.

Driving To Work

My drives to my work are always really awesome. I take the freeway up the side of the mountain right at Sunset. With the music filling up the car and the light and colors and cloud formations it can be really amazing. Then when i get to work, i go out on the balcony and sit down outside and just loose myself in the colors and try not to think about the 10 hours of being cooped up under the fluorescent lights in front of a computer screen. it's amazing what a little natural light can do for a person. how much better you can feel in that moment. being outside, underneath the sun, the moon, the stars. outside in the fresh air (well as fresh as city air can be anyhow).

 i was reading about the moon, about how the moons gravitational pull moves the bodies of water across the land. the human body is made up of water anywhere from 55% to 78% depending on body size (as per wikipedia). if the moon's gravity is strong enough to to pull ALL the water in oceans and seas and the like, it most definitely can affect humans! to the ancients and believers out there, hearing this is like, Duh! but there are the skeptics that don't think the moon really does have any real influence to our everyday life.  

Real Fears~ June 20th,2006

This is something I wrote way back when.... it's just a writing of things that scared me. Writing them out helped me to name the fear and pinpoint anxiety. When I was able to read what i had wrote the fear of these things slowly went away....


I'm alone. This black room is haunted by faceless forms that my eyes can barely make out. They move fast. I can hear their footsteps running towards me and stop. There's no one with me to hold on to. No arm to keep back the dark forms. I'm alone.

The black, majestic waves grow bigger, become darker. With every violent thrash of the wind, they become stronger. They tower over me. I can't breathe and i drown in the deep undertow. Nothing there to push up on. I gasp for breath and choke. There is nothing around me for miles and the water surrounds me. I'm alone.


The way they move. They scuttle on their thin, scratchy legs. I stand penetrated. Each move they make chills down my spine as though it was they that scurry down my back. They lower themselves down on silver silk threads that stick and capture you. One by one they fall. I'm trapped in their forest built in my own safe haven. I cry for help but no one understands my trepidation. I'm alone.


They're looking at me. It's almost time. My palms begin to sweat and the air around me grows thin. My mind fogs and the ground moves freely under my still feet. My mouth is dry and my heart beats in a steady flow. Blood pounds in my ears, in my hands, in my head. It's time. All eyes are on me. I can feel my mouth move, my voice speak but I'm incoherent to my self. Though I'm in a crowded room; I'm alone.


This house is quiet and empty. It has never known the sound of laughter or the sight of a smile. It has been the home of a single woman for many years. Dust slowly hides the color of the walls, the furniture, the light. The house becomes unmanageable, neglected, and unwanted reflecting the image of the dying woman. There's no one there to save her. No one who even cares. I die alone.

The Music of the Night

Music Of The Night

Recently I've been in a Phantom Of the Opera phase. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you probably how sick of the Think-of-me-fondly's and Down-We-Plunge-Toward-The-Prison-Of-My-Mind's they are. I just kept singing the songs, listening to the Broadway and movie versions at work, making comparisons between the two. Watching the movie and special features every other day. The interest started around the 9th month of working grave's and feeling lonely and alienated from the rest of the waking world. The Music of The Night song really hit home. "Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness stirs and wakes imagination. Silently the senses abandon their defenses." Alone in the night, I started feeling more vulnerable. Alone, i had to learn to deal with myself. I had to get to know me again. It was like hanging out with a friend that you were just kind of acquainted with, one on one, trying to come up with something to talk about. Did i have anything in common with myself? it's easier to be around other people. You automatically sync your personality with the other person's. you can be who you assume the other person assumes you are... but when your by your self, with the one person in the universe who knows everything about your self, there's no hiding anything. It's surprising how little a person can know about themselves until they are alone, in the middle of the night with no one else to distract from the awkward moment. I found that when your away from the world, there's not as many judgements you have to deal with. in the night i can be whoever i want to be. i can believe what ever i want to believe in. like a hanged man, hung from his feet. dangling between two worlds. a foot in reality and a foot in the otherworld. from this upside down view things look different. a change in perspective. living a life from Sunset to Sunrise "...in this darkness that you know you can not find. The darkness of the Music of the Night" I had a dream where Mario, the original Nintendo version, colored in black and red, jumped up into a portal. in the dream, a voice said "... exploring the Dark recess of the mind." Darkness in the mind is just uncharted territory. Not evil or bad. Just unknown Darkness that needs to be explored. To close your eyes and see clearer. "let your mind start a journey to a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be". The world we live in puts so much anxiety into Light and Dark. You can be either one or the other. The Earth, Life, functions in dualities. Positive/Negative. Male/Female. Sun/Moon. Day/Night But one without the other is unbalanced. why should the human mind be any different?  
More recently I've been trying to get away from the Phantom so i dont get too sick of it. I've been listening to more Andrew Lloyd Webber, Cats and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat. I've been more comfortable with being alone. Not perfectly, but I'm trying.
"it's over now the Music of the Night"

First Blog

        I just got out of the theater after watching The Other Guys and my mind was going crazy with thoughts. I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile, to post thoughts I have from the countless books I read. For some reason, watching this movie made me want to start up blogging. For those of you have seen this movie, it seems kind of strange for it to have sparked thoughts, but wow. The world we live in. The line the pompous rich Sir-Robin-Charlie-And-The-Chocolate-Factory-Teacher said "Excess living: It's the American way" really pissed me off! The guy said he had 17 Lamborghini's, but owed billions of dollars to people all over the world was just ridiculous! For one man to needlessly own that many stupid cars! As I was driving home all I could think about was how humans think money is power, and it really is... to a person who lets it. If I was ever in a position where I was being bribed with all this money by some Suit, I would think to myself "If I don't except this douche's money, what on Earth would he have to use to control me?" Guns? Go ahead and shoot me! Whatever your trying to get from me will be lost because any knowledge I had would be gone, too.
Excess is the American way..... that is so sick and so true. We eat ridiculous foods (that's probably not even real food) from big companies. After giving our money to the "Food" Industry we then give our money to the Drug and Medication industry to "fix" the problems that started because of the "Food" Industry. But then we give our money to the Medical industry to fix the problems created by poorly thought out Pills that were never finished being developed because if they were they would actually heal people instead of make things worse AND CAUSE more problems, just to have a doctor tell you to DIET AND EXERCISE which if we had been doing that all along we would never have gone to those food chains in the first place!
       Obviously the Drug companies release pills that aren't working yet, because they want their money faster! All those medication commercials listing all of those problems that can occur by taking the pill! Taking a pill for arthritis can lead to thoughts of depression and suicide and can cause bleeding! I'd rather deal with the arthritis! There HAS to be other ways to CURE these problems instead of making a bad symptom worse. Of course there is, but Corporate America isn't going to tell us Little People that because then they wont have their power, their Money...
       But anyways, that was a rant.....