And then there was Tom

A few months ago Sean said he wanted to get a dog. It's funny, because I've always wanted a dog, always. But everyone of my friends that have said something about getting a dog i have something to say about why they shouldn't. and those words sound an awful lot like the words my Mom always said to me when i got the "I want a puppy" bug. All sorts of silly things about responsibility and the like. So that's what i told Sean when he was wanting a dog! So silly!

Well, a few weeks ago, i was thinking about it and i was like "maybe getting a dog wouldn't be so bad after all!" and i brought it up with Sean and of course he got all frustrated because i was being a girl! a confusing, frustrating girl! so another week or so goes by and Sean says he wants to check out the shelters to look for a dog. But that was at 7 at night and all the shelters were closed so we went home and My Mother of ALL people picked out a website for us to check out before going to the shelters, and it was for the Humane Society. We looked through 10 pages worth of listings before my eyes picked out the cutest face in the world! I was such a girl and was like "oh Sean look at that face!!!" and it was only 3 months old and the info was only posted 2 hours before hand! so i wrote down the ID number and kennel number and said to Sean that we shouldn't get to excited for the one particular dog because who knows if he'd still be there in the morning!

The rest of the evening i was so excited to get up early and look for a puppy (hopefully that puppy).

When we woke up and got ready i went to my room to pull a Card of the Day from my Tarot cards as per usual, this time keeping in mind the dog and what to expect from the day ahead. And Literally (not figuratively) a card flipped out of the deck while i was shuffling. It was the Knight Of Wands. The Court Cards (or Personality cards) usually refer to the personality of an individual of the personality of the day and events. And the Knight of Wands would be a personality that would "Jump" out of a deck. So i definitely was excited when i got that card for a day of "Puppy Shopping".

So we go to the shelter that the website listed on the page and there was nothing there. The lady said they didn't have any puppies and that there was only a few dogs there. So she gave us a flyer for other shelters (grumpily) and didn't even help us figure out which shelter to check out next! So we just picked one hoping it was the one with the Puppy we saw on the internet. 

When we get to that shelter it was still closed! Blah! so we decide to kill some time at the Petsmart to look around and keep up are enthusiasm for a dog. We go back at 11:30am and they still hadn't quite opened their doors yet and there was a line of people waiting to get in! and i was getting really upset because i am definitely not a patient person! We go in and the lady points out the door with the dogs and there were soooo many Pit Bulls it was sad! But not one sign of the puppy we were looking for again! so we ask that lady about the puppy and i show her the ID number i had written down and she recognizes the number and gives us another flyer! but she at least was helpful and told us which one it was and how to get there!

On with the Adventure! Blah!

We get lost trying to find the shelter! i was like! of course! but finally we found the road and found the shelter! 

We go inside that shelter and the lady shows us where the smaller dogs are and i walk as if guided right to that Face! There was the puppy we saw on the internet! and when we took him out of his kennel he Leaped right into my arms! (rather like the Knight of Wands lept from the deck). We took him outside and he was so Cute! The shelter had his name listed as Tank. And we saw why! he kept plowing into everything! as we sat on the lawn and played with him for that half hour i kept thinking about how similar in personality traits Tank was to the Knight of Wands. He was full of energy and so interested in anything that moved and couldn't stay concentrated on one thing! and even the process in finding him was an adventure worthy of a Knight.

The shelter wanted to make sure that the new puppy would get along with any other animals that will live where he will be living. So we went and got Izzy (Sean's sister Emily's dog) and took her to meet the puppy. On the way there we were thinking of names for the puppy and Sean said "How about Tom, like Tom DeLonge from Blink 182? He's lanky and goofy like he is" and i totally could see the resemblance! So we decided on Tom!

Izzy HATED that shelter! She wouldn't even pay any attention to Tom because she was so freaked out about being there! So that part was kind of a waste of time because we couldn't tell how they would get along, but Izzy is a small dog that couldn't bully Tom too much so they decided that we would be perfect parents! So we adopted him!

He is still very much that Knight of Wands to me. Tom is sooo smart and incredibly sweet and cuddly! Even my Mom loves him! MY Mom! He's basically house trained already, almost. He knows how to sit and stay fairly well and he's learning how to Shake! Just from watching the other dogs in Sean's family!

He came down with Kennel Cough though a few days after bringing him home and we took him to the Vet who didn't seem worried so that made me feel better. He sounded like a duck when he would cough! it was the saddest, cutest thing ever! Is that horrible to say?

So that's the story about our puppy Tom so far. How crazy full of uncanny circumstances! It's like God heard us talking about our perfect Dog, made us wait for awhile while he made him and then sent us the signs to find him!

Cutest Dog Ever!

Hey Mercury! Nice Pants!

Mercury was in Retrograde the past few weeks (obviously everyone knows that ha ha ha). And if you’re not a geek and nerd about astrology (or just don’t really care) you probably experienced it one way or the other… like the HORENDOUS traffic! Not being able to speak clearly to people! And just having one of Those months!

Well my weeks were pretty odd. Almost hit a black cat (yeah that really happened) that disappeared as fast as it came. Crazy crazy dreams. Nothing at work could go right! It was just ridiculous! But now supposedly all that should be getting better…. Unless it doesn’t… then it’s probably just bad luck! Who knows!

ANYWAYS!

Sometimes my mind feels like it’s bigger than my brain. As if it’s much more expansive to fit into such a small place.  There are times that I just get into myself and Think! It’s like my conscious has woken up and I’m just like… oh my gosh! And my mind wont stop thinking. When I go to bed I lay awake for hours and think, and when I do sleep I thrash in my sleep, pillows and blankets thrown all over the room, and my dreams are so huge, that when I wake I feel disconnected. I feel like I’m still far away in the otherworld and not this one. I used to walk in my sleep, like really walk in my sleep. My parents would find me in the strangest of places. My grandma once told me when I was really little that my spirit was just going for a walk and took my body with me. And sometimes I think about that now and it creeps me out! Ha ha ha! If that actually happens, what does my spirit see? What’s there beyond the wall of my room that my physical body can’t walk through? I go through periods when I can sleep and actually rest through the night, but all my life I would go through another phase of walking/talking/ and dreaming that makes it hard to really rest. Why is that?

A few months ago I went to a mission fare well. I haven’t been to church forever and ever! There’s something about sacrament meeting that takes me back. But it seemed different at this particular meeting.  It was just so… typical. I mean, there’s power in ritualistic, traditional things, but this one seemed just uninspiring. The missionary we were saying fare well to read his talk, and the kid that was Returning from his mission was so redundant in what he said. The most exciting part was when our missionary started crying while he was baring his testimony. At least there was some passion in spirituality in that one moment. Neither leaving or returning missionary could hold the attention of the congregation, but then again the congregation wasn’t giving any attention to them. It felt so typical and so routine. I think that’s why I liked Young Women’s and Girl’s camp. It was more hands on and more passionate.

The returning missionary kept talking about things we “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing. Redundantly saying how “there’s happiness in doing what you should be doing”…. Well? What “should” we be doing? Why “should” people all have a set dogmatic system on the things everyone “should” be doing?  

In the movie Dogma, Chris Rock was talking about Ideas and how people don’t have ideas anymore. How the world was better when people just had ideas. Everything is so set in stone these days about what “should” or “shouldn’t” be.

Physically things do NOT stay the same. We grow we evolve we don’t stay in one moment of life forever because where’s the growth in that?

The returning missionary said “living the gospel makes you happy”. Great!........... but what does that mean? It sounded so rehearsed, so typical. It sounded like something you say everyday, but never DO what you’re talking about…

I like to look up words in the dictionary (and google lol) and find the literal description of words so I googled “Gospel” and it said: The 4 books in the New Testament (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) that tell the story about Christ’s life and teachings.

Ok, now that makes sense… but do the little kids who hear the phrase “Live the Gospel” know that? Maybe, I don’t know.

What it’s saying (I gather) is to live what Christ taught and how he lived his life. Love and be truly AWE-some and know that we have the power to perform miracles. “As above, so below” “do ye not know that ye are GODS?”

“Live the gospel” he says as the people chase their little kids down the aisle and fall asleep in their pews.

I watched an educational video at work about the Brain and brain development in babies. The video showed the formation of the sperm and the egg and how a baby forms! It forms from this messy gooey thing into a human being with this Brain! A brain that’s also this messy gooey thing inside our skulls that run our lives, that has hundreds and thousands of these CHARGED neurons and cells! Charged energy rushing through our brains, our bodies! This mushy goo in our head that THINKS! That can expand with strength when trained and used! This mush that sends messages, this goo that can see! When we close our eyes we can Imagine and See! How does mushy goo DO that?!

Scientifically it can be explained, but how does it do it? And if these energy charged neurons can make you smarter and if it’s pure Energy…. Maybe all those supernatural things can be explained. Simply imagining and thinking can be supernatural because you SEE it! How can mush project images into the “Mind”? It’s such a simple thing, thinking and imagining. People do it all the time and they don’t even realize they are practicing Godhood, so detailed and precise. How does a brain create depression? Happiness? Scientifically they talk about physiological factors, but where did a brain create these powerful emotions? How does it even create emotions?

If a brain does all that stuff naturally and can obviously do huge things when used, it can really do huge things that we probably couldn’t fathom! All the cosmic Huge-ness (lol) that people talk about could be so simple. The doctors in the video were saying that the weak areas in the brain can be strengthened when you use them. So, spiritually speaking (not religiously speaking) exercising your brain would increase intuition and all that jazz the exact same way you learn math!

“To live the gospel” to actually be like Christ, all those “Primary answers” that we say without thinking, power hidden in plain sight… it’s crazy!

November, 29 2008~Flash Backs

This scene is so familiar somehow.

Though instead of cheap cement and concrete

the walls were made of stone.

I close my eyes

and i can feel the same sense

of magic in the air

but the picture has changed:

I'm sitting at a beautiful grand oak table,

ancient scrolls with symbols, runes and herbs laying at the end of the table.

My hands running down the silk dress i wear,

long, flowing, extravagant.

A crown resting on my head

symbolizing my power.

Safe in my casted circle.

You walked in then,

just as you did now.

The face and body you wore was different than it is now

but i always know it's you.

My Prince.

Your hand imediately clasps mine

a habbit you've always done from lifetimes before.

In that moment my sight is brought back to the present:

the stone work back into the graffitied brick garage wall,

my dress into a baggy hoodie and black and white plaid pajama bottoms,

your shirt transforms from a royal court cape

to a novelty t-shirt with a silly slogan on it.

My Prince.

I smile at you,

the face of this lifetime,

and i can still see what i'm able to see

each time we find each other:

it's not hard to recognize once i see it,

the sense that the other half of my soul that i didn't realize was missing

has just danced into the room

capturing the attention of all the other seekers, mesmerizing the other dancers

and reaches out and grabes my hand.

It happens so easily

everytime,

and each time

i hold your hand

you guide me back

to our

perfect paradise.

A Justice Reading~ Mystic Dream Tarot Deck. 08/18/10

"Justice, justice shall you pursue, that you may thrive and occupy the land the Eternal (YHVH), your god, is giving to you."

(Deut. 16:20 From The Torah)

(the five books of Moses, Deuteronomy is the last)

St. Augustine said "When God wants us to hear something, He says it twice." I study and practice The Tarot. Yesterday and today i got the major arcana card XI Justice. Justice twice. I've been going through the book Tarot Wisdom by Rachel Pollack, in the book she goes through each card one at a time and at the end has reading layouts that correspond to the Major Card you just read about. The Justice card traditionally refers to legal and court affairs, but what was interesting was her take on Justice without legal situations. Justice of Self. Justice in following our genuine inmost nature. truly trusting who we are.


this past weekend, i was going through pretty bad personal silly things, 2 days picking XI Justice. i realized that, hardly coincidentally, i was to the chapter on Justice in the book. i usually wait for a sort of nudge before going on in the book, depending on my personal life. each time i get a sign, i read on in the book, and each time the chapter is totally talking about what i was going through. The author even mentions her own experience with getting the word Justice twice. so i read the chapter and got to the end where you do the reading.

(roughly how the spread looked like, i did it in Paint to give an idea)

Each position is where a card goes and there are questions that go with each position. so the theory is the card that you flip over on the spot is the situation or sometimes answer to the question. The spread is laid out to represent the Scales of Justice. Now I'm going to take you through the reading (now that I've given some back ground information) how i do readings for Myself and others. I'm going to try to include some inner dialogue that i think to myself during the readings with a ** symbol...


1- What is Outer Justice

-card: 10 of Wands

-*I really have no idea! how is a card that's about burdens and carrying loads have anything to do with Justice?!*
Ok, the question is "What is outer Justice?" and the card is the 10 of wands. To figure this out, first you have to ask "Well, what IS Outer Justice?" The word Outer is Outside. Outside ourselves.*ok that's simple* The form of Justice I'm using isn't legal, it's personal, so Justice in the "True to Self" sense. So the question is asking "How am i presenting myself in my life right now to my friends, family and coworkers (outer), and how is that presentation being True to Myself? *ha!*
So now that the question makes sense, how do you incorporate the card, the 10 of wands? *psh! i still have no idea!* so what i usually do in this situation when i just don't know is get out the books! the 10 of Wands like i said usually implies burdens and needing to delegate. ask for help. *but i don't do anything except work... that doesn't make any sense at all!* then i read in handouts about the 10 of wands my Teacher gave us during my class on tarot. it said "if you love your work but it's all consuming, you may be too narrowly focused in one area. Balance your life with other interests." *Oh there it is* looking at it that way i figured out the card and question were addressing my "Either's". I'm either ALL about work during my work week, to only being about my boyfriend. Work. Him. Nothing else. So then, when he's off doing his things, i get mad and jealous because he has other things besides me. and i don't. *of course* so! the 10 of wands in the "What is Outer Justice" position is talking about my invisible burdens. the burdens i place on myself because i DON'T have physical burdens to deal with (if that makes any sense at all). i don't have school, i don't have hobbies, i don't have projects. all i have is Work or Him. *ok ok next freaking card...angry face*


2-What is the Wisdom of Pursuing it? (IT being question #1)
*What is with these confusing questions?!*


-card: XX Judgement
*of course*


So! the major arcana card XX Judgement is all about Rebirth, letting go of the past, Change, and making a moral inventory. the wisdom in pursuing the 10 of wands (balancing life with other interests) would be XX Judgement- an initiation of sorts, to be reborn into a life that has more to do than just work or Boy.*easy enough* so that leads us to:


3-What action is best?


-card: Queen of Pentacles


-What action is best, meaning what action is best to take now that i know what my outer self is like in public (10 of wands) and what wisdom i could gain from pursuing a changed life (XX judgement). The Queen of Pentacles. So a card i never really associate myself with. The Queen is about house keeping *Dad don't even start* and creative projects and crafts. She is loving, and nurturing. i always envision the Perfect Relief society leaders, the ones that run the perfect house that do all of the crafts *i really really really Hate crafts*. so what is the answer to what action is best? What i got was this: i need to start creating. The Queen of Pentacles likes feeling accomplished. "Crossing things of her lists". I need to do these things for myself. By myself. Something to do for ME, not for work, not for Boy but for ME. The accomplished description reminded me of an article in a magazine i saw about Jennifer Hudson. she's been doing weight watchers and has lost a ton of weight and she said in this article that she loves the challenge, and loves challenging herself and showing herself she can do it. i haven't felt that way about anything for a long long time. i feel like i need to challenge myself with something and, like the Queen of Pentacles, to do it and be proud of myself. Right now, in life i dont have anything that's mine, and oddly enough that emptiness, that invisible burden (10 of wands) will lighten by adding more physical strain. and by letting go of past issues (XX Judgement) will balance my outer Justice! *PHEW! that was pretty cool how those three cards on the Scale spread worked out... time for the next scale*


4-What is Inner Justice?


-card: 9 of wands


-Inner Justice = 9 of wands. *hmm* well we talked about Outer Justice as being how we are publicly (outer) so Inner Justice is How we are true to ourselves on the inside. the 9 of wands is about wounds and scars. about Wary Defensiveness. in the Guide book to this deck it talks about being dissatisfied with something. how the girl in the picture is just concentrating on the one Wand that isn't blooming while there are 8 more Wands blooming in the background. sometimes, no matter how much anyone does right by me, no matter how many times I'm more happy with a person then mad, i always tend to dwell on the negative. and that negativity grows in my mind and starts beating me up and giving me more bruises on top of the ones that where already there. this bully in my head taunts me,dissatisfies me, and makes me become defensive against the people closes to me that i love. that bully feeds images into my head about things that they could possibly do to hurt me and shows me what to hang onto to use against them. to not really trust the people i love. My inner justice is wounded and scarred. "Even if we aren't hurt physically, our psyches are wounded. Our openness, innocence and trust are gone, replaces by Wary Defensiveness".


5-What part do I play? (regarding Inner Justice)


-card: III The Empress


-*Does this surprise me? NO!* III The Empress in the Major Arcana can be described as the Empress over all the Queens. Out of all the Queens, the Queen of Pentacles (see question 3) is the MOST like the Empress in regards to description. Both nurturing and Loving and Creative. The Empress though, is more like Mother Earth. Where as The Queen is more to do with daily things and personality traits. The Empress is about Life/Death cycles and birth and fertility. She loving holds all forms of life. "What part do I play?" The Guidebook to the deck said: "Your role is to nurture without forcing or neglecting your project. pay attention to where you are in the cycle of your project or situation and take the proper steps. there is great potential for abundance if good care is given. this may require Action on your part or it may require a time of waiting." The bully inside my head is always hurting my feelings, and making me doubt myself and others.Kicking me in the shins, pulling my hair... For Inner Justice, to get rid of the bully that creates the 9 of wands, i need to be Motherly. Both the Queen Of Pentacles (outer justice) and The Empress (inner justice). if they saw a bully picking on their children, they would take the kid home by the ear, have a good talking to with the kids parents about bullying, and take their own child home and baby them, and hold them and love them. The Part I Play for Inner Justice is to be that mother that pays attention and watches her kids and who nurtures the life process. *and for those of you who were following along with the spread you may find it interesting that the Queen and the Empress are next to each other in their positioning... just saying*


6- How Will Justice Come About?


-card: XVIII The Moon.


-(From the Tarot Wisdom book) "As the central card of the 4th triad **a triad is what you get when you take all the Major arcana cards and lay them out in order from 0 to 21 in rows of 7, then you read going down** with the Emperor above (justice) and the Moon below, Justice balances Structure And Mystery." the book also goes on to explain numerology and how you can get a different Triad with The High Priestess, Justice and Judgement (see question 2). SO! So far in my justice reading i have pulled 2 cards that both sync up to the book and the triads concerning Justice. XX Judgement Outer and XVIII the Moon Inner. "Only by facing fears (inner subconscious symbolized by the deep water and the crab) can progress be made." How Will Justice come about? "Through a roller coaster ride of emotions!" With the moon card i can choose between 2 things:"Wander through this crazy, lunatic landscape howling at the Moon (wallow in depression, alienate friends and family with wild antisocial behavior) or GET ON THE PATH AND GO THROUGH IT PURPOSEFULLY." *because it's easier said then done to give Justice to your Inner Self!* with the moon card "You must travel in the dark, not knowing for sure if your path is the right one. There is no sunlight to guide you, no distant landmark in the hills to direct your steps, no one to travel alongside. this is a journey that must be made alone in the darkness, without a map or compass. You must learn to rely on your own inner light to lead you along the true path"


7- What is the Link between Inner and Outer Justice?

-card: Page of Cups


*oh no please dont start crying...*


-the link between Inner and Outer Justice is ME: The Page Of Cups. As soon as i turned over the card i thought to myself "It's like past Bridget came to talk to Future Bridget about my issues". Me: That girl that could be in the world but not of it. Who's head was always in the clouds but whose feet were always on the ground. Who loved deeply and unconditionally. who saw magic in everything. Who Imagined. That used to be me! i wonder what Past Bridget thought about Future Bridget when she saw me. did it scare her away seeing all this darkness inside of what once was her? did she even want to be around me?
The Tarot Wisdom book talked about the heart. It said "the heart chakra (or center or what have you) is right in the middle, between 3 chakras of physicality below and 3 of awareness above. The Heart forms the boarder, the place where Above and Below join together. What weighs down the heart-when we seek to 'come into the light' is guilt, fear and shame. What opens the heart, makes it weightless, is Justice."

So, what the whole spread basically boils down to is to

Know Thy Self.

When you know your self

problems aren't so problematic.

So that's the tarot for you! well, in my world anyhow...

Uncontrolable Water~October 8th, 2006

Sometimes you have to wonder......

I am Trapped.

Stuck in a claustrophobic room.

To small to stand: to move: to breathe

I am Stuck.

The anxiety rushes through my veins

and I lose my self control.

I am Struggling.

These cords that bind me rip into my skin.

I lash out to escape but I lay broken.

I am Paralyzed.

In the room that will take my life

and i hear the water begin to surge.

I am Cold.

The water slowly begins to attack this room.

It pierces and steams against my skin.

The anxiety is dripping with panic

as the water drifts into my ears.

I am Deaf.

My screams have become muted

even to my own ears

and the rushing water becomes louder.

I am Afraid.

My heart beats faster than the sinuous liquid.

My muscles become tense

and burn in the bitter flood.

I am Drowning.

I take one last filling breath of precious air

before i get taken under the sheet of wet silk.

The panic transforms into dread, terror, and loss.

I am Losing.

I strike my fists into the wall

a vain attempt for a single breath

 

a war against something so peaceful

and yet so deadly.

My lungs begin to convulse.

Gasping with a closed mouth.

Thrashing for one last chance.

I will die here.

In this room.

My lungs give in to the taunting

and i breathe in the evil that has captured me.

It smolders my throat, my nose, my eyes.

I cough the water

deeper into my lungs.

The sting is more painful

than the ripping cord digging deeper

into my soggy skin.

I am Fading.

I begin to sink.

Falling to the ground.

Soaked from the inside.

Drifting to the bottom.

My Mind begins to fog: to fade: to die.

a salty tear is lost

in the dark drench.

and a single body coasting on the bottom

of a claustrophobic room.

Driving To Work

My drives to my work are always really awesome. I take the freeway up the side of the mountain right at Sunset. With the music filling up the car and the light and colors and cloud formations it can be really amazing. Then when i get to work, i go out on the balcony and sit down outside and just loose myself in the colors and try not to think about the 10 hours of being cooped up under the fluorescent lights in front of a computer screen. it's amazing what a little natural light can do for a person. how much better you can feel in that moment. being outside, underneath the sun, the moon, the stars. outside in the fresh air (well as fresh as city air can be anyhow).

 i was reading about the moon, about how the moons gravitational pull moves the bodies of water across the land. the human body is made up of water anywhere from 55% to 78% depending on body size (as per wikipedia). if the moon's gravity is strong enough to to pull ALL the water in oceans and seas and the like, it most definitely can affect humans! to the ancients and believers out there, hearing this is like, Duh! but there are the skeptics that don't think the moon really does have any real influence to our everyday life.  

Real Fears~ June 20th,2006

This is something I wrote way back when.... it's just a writing of things that scared me. Writing them out helped me to name the fear and pinpoint anxiety. When I was able to read what i had wrote the fear of these things slowly went away....


I'm alone. This black room is haunted by faceless forms that my eyes can barely make out. They move fast. I can hear their footsteps running towards me and stop. There's no one with me to hold on to. No arm to keep back the dark forms. I'm alone.

The black, majestic waves grow bigger, become darker. With every violent thrash of the wind, they become stronger. They tower over me. I can't breathe and i drown in the deep undertow. Nothing there to push up on. I gasp for breath and choke. There is nothing around me for miles and the water surrounds me. I'm alone.


The way they move. They scuttle on their thin, scratchy legs. I stand penetrated. Each move they make chills down my spine as though it was they that scurry down my back. They lower themselves down on silver silk threads that stick and capture you. One by one they fall. I'm trapped in their forest built in my own safe haven. I cry for help but no one understands my trepidation. I'm alone.


They're looking at me. It's almost time. My palms begin to sweat and the air around me grows thin. My mind fogs and the ground moves freely under my still feet. My mouth is dry and my heart beats in a steady flow. Blood pounds in my ears, in my hands, in my head. It's time. All eyes are on me. I can feel my mouth move, my voice speak but I'm incoherent to my self. Though I'm in a crowded room; I'm alone.


This house is quiet and empty. It has never known the sound of laughter or the sight of a smile. It has been the home of a single woman for many years. Dust slowly hides the color of the walls, the furniture, the light. The house becomes unmanageable, neglected, and unwanted reflecting the image of the dying woman. There's no one there to save her. No one who even cares. I die alone.

The Music of the Night

Music Of The Night

Recently I've been in a Phantom Of the Opera phase. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you probably how sick of the Think-of-me-fondly's and Down-We-Plunge-Toward-The-Prison-Of-My-Mind's they are. I just kept singing the songs, listening to the Broadway and movie versions at work, making comparisons between the two. Watching the movie and special features every other day. The interest started around the 9th month of working grave's and feeling lonely and alienated from the rest of the waking world. The Music of The Night song really hit home. "Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness stirs and wakes imagination. Silently the senses abandon their defenses." Alone in the night, I started feeling more vulnerable. Alone, i had to learn to deal with myself. I had to get to know me again. It was like hanging out with a friend that you were just kind of acquainted with, one on one, trying to come up with something to talk about. Did i have anything in common with myself? it's easier to be around other people. You automatically sync your personality with the other person's. you can be who you assume the other person assumes you are... but when your by your self, with the one person in the universe who knows everything about your self, there's no hiding anything. It's surprising how little a person can know about themselves until they are alone, in the middle of the night with no one else to distract from the awkward moment. I found that when your away from the world, there's not as many judgements you have to deal with. in the night i can be whoever i want to be. i can believe what ever i want to believe in. like a hanged man, hung from his feet. dangling between two worlds. a foot in reality and a foot in the otherworld. from this upside down view things look different. a change in perspective. living a life from Sunset to Sunrise "...in this darkness that you know you can not find. The darkness of the Music of the Night" I had a dream where Mario, the original Nintendo version, colored in black and red, jumped up into a portal. in the dream, a voice said "... exploring the Dark recess of the mind." Darkness in the mind is just uncharted territory. Not evil or bad. Just unknown Darkness that needs to be explored. To close your eyes and see clearer. "let your mind start a journey to a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be". The world we live in puts so much anxiety into Light and Dark. You can be either one or the other. The Earth, Life, functions in dualities. Positive/Negative. Male/Female. Sun/Moon. Day/Night But one without the other is unbalanced. why should the human mind be any different?  
More recently I've been trying to get away from the Phantom so i dont get too sick of it. I've been listening to more Andrew Lloyd Webber, Cats and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dream Coat. I've been more comfortable with being alone. Not perfectly, but I'm trying.
"it's over now the Music of the Night"

First Blog

        I just got out of the theater after watching The Other Guys and my mind was going crazy with thoughts. I have been wanting to start a blog for awhile, to post thoughts I have from the countless books I read. For some reason, watching this movie made me want to start up blogging. For those of you have seen this movie, it seems kind of strange for it to have sparked thoughts, but wow. The world we live in. The line the pompous rich Sir-Robin-Charlie-And-The-Chocolate-Factory-Teacher said "Excess living: It's the American way" really pissed me off! The guy said he had 17 Lamborghini's, but owed billions of dollars to people all over the world was just ridiculous! For one man to needlessly own that many stupid cars! As I was driving home all I could think about was how humans think money is power, and it really is... to a person who lets it. If I was ever in a position where I was being bribed with all this money by some Suit, I would think to myself "If I don't except this douche's money, what on Earth would he have to use to control me?" Guns? Go ahead and shoot me! Whatever your trying to get from me will be lost because any knowledge I had would be gone, too.
Excess is the American way..... that is so sick and so true. We eat ridiculous foods (that's probably not even real food) from big companies. After giving our money to the "Food" Industry we then give our money to the Drug and Medication industry to "fix" the problems that started because of the "Food" Industry. But then we give our money to the Medical industry to fix the problems created by poorly thought out Pills that were never finished being developed because if they were they would actually heal people instead of make things worse AND CAUSE more problems, just to have a doctor tell you to DIET AND EXERCISE which if we had been doing that all along we would never have gone to those food chains in the first place!
       Obviously the Drug companies release pills that aren't working yet, because they want their money faster! All those medication commercials listing all of those problems that can occur by taking the pill! Taking a pill for arthritis can lead to thoughts of depression and suicide and can cause bleeding! I'd rather deal with the arthritis! There HAS to be other ways to CURE these problems instead of making a bad symptom worse. Of course there is, but Corporate America isn't going to tell us Little People that because then they wont have their power, their Money...
       But anyways, that was a rant.....